The Censored Lists
"By the time they take the court to play their games, some Bookstore teams have already exhausted their creative energies in choosing their names. Like the Keenan Revue, the annual list of team names offers a raw glimpse inside the murkier recesses of the collective Domer subconscious - a catalogue of campus satire, dorm in-jokes, pop-culture allusions, David Letterman absurdities, schoolyard taunts, and sexual innuendo. After the censors excised the crudest entries, this year's roster included such gems as Tom Carter, Jerome Bettis and Three Other Guys Who Pull Out Early; Moose, Krauss, and Three Other Guys Who Play Like They're Dead; The Vertically Challenged; Sexual Frustration Rechanneled; Monastic White Boys; You May Beat Us, but We're Drunk; Dicky and the Boys Take It to the Hole; Pontius Pilate and the Four Nail Drivers; Four Irishmen and a Fifth; and Five Guys Who Want to Know If You're Going To Be Anal About the Fouls."
- from the 1995 book, "Domers"
Expecting to read the 2008 version of "The Censored List"? Sorry to disappoint but not one team name was censored this year. What? That should be a good thing, right? The offending names should be easy to pick out. Not so fast. None of the names were truly offensive. Hard to believe when around twenty percent of the teams were blacklisted each year prior. What happened? Did the students suddenly lose their edge? Did they conform like good little boys and girls? The truth is startling, not unlike discovering that Adolf Hitler had a proclivity for whimsical haikus about pink unicorns. (Blue-eyed, blonde-maned Aryan unicorns, of course.)
What really happened? A reliable source passed information that team names deemed offensive were replaced with harmless names. Instead of "Team ###", the censors intentionally re-named teams. Why? Well, it makes it more difficult to put together a "censored list" without an actual list. Did lil ol' me bring about a loss of drivel liberties? Did the sense-of-humorless rob others of their slack-ademic freedom?
The grapevine has murmured examples of the re-named teams. Would you like to be named "Unpopular Culture"? Or "Gummy Bears"? Not only were teams stripped of their original monikers and numbers, but they were bestowed with the incredibly boring at the hands of the exceedingly lame. Or, as I like to call it, the mission statement of Student Activities.
So most likely about twenty percent of the teams were discriminated against. Yes, I said discriminated. Like the Irish of old, numerous teams were symbolically shown the "No Irish Need Apply" sign that reared its ugly head in the late 1800s and early 1900s. How awful for the genuinely mischievous. (And if you thought that analogy was outlandish, just you wait.)
Let's get into some of this year's list. The overall list is shorter this year and is strictly made up of the cleverest names. Categorization was attempted. First up, the play-on-words/ pop culture grouping...
Weapons of Mass Seduction
Rice Rice Baby
Lost in Transition
Backboard Confessional
303 Problems But a Loss Ain't One
This Isn't Russia. Is This Russia ? This Isn't Russia (Caddyshack rules!)
Hemoglobin Trotters
My So-Called Bookstore Basketball Team
If Game Lasts Longer Than 4 Hours, Consult a Physician
SMcLovin
The Dramatic Chipmunks: An Ode to the YouTube Video That Will Change Your Life
No Bookstore for Old Men
This next grouping will just go by the name "Sports Related." Gathering these names together was a bit of a stretch, kind of like saying the Program of Liberal Studies is a major. (Hey, PLS jokes NEVER go out of style.)....
Ballin Like It's 1985
Bad Newz Kennels (Poor Michael Vick)
We Do It Better on Ice (Women's hockey team? You bet your ice.)
Dana Jacobson's Censors
Shawn Kemp's Progeny
Kelvin Sampson's Fave 5
Kelvin Sampson Won't Stop Calling Us
Sixty Percent of the Time, We Foul Every Time
"Race and Religion." Always a great category coming from the most homogeneous student body outside of Utah . And thankfully Domers are intelligent enough to know the meaning of "homogeny." I guarantee someone from Sparty-land would declare: "You sayin' I'm gay?"...."No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying you prefer sheep." (Hey, Michigan State jokes NEVER go out of style.)....
4 Catholics, 1 Jew
Five Skinny White Guys
Asian Invasion
Caucasian Persuasion
SensAsians
Minority Midgets and Colossal Caucasians
Once You Go Asian You Don't Go Caucasian
Finally we get to some distasteful names. There aren't many, though, that survived the censors (or should I call them "alterers"?) Normally this grouping would be many with plenty of innuendo. Now, in the past, the censors would use UrbanDictionary.com to bust teams. But the times they are a-changin' (bobdylan.com). Supposedly offensive YouTube-referencing names were axed. "Five Guys, One Cup" was turned away. For those of us that have jobs, such a name is innocuous. For those of us that YouTub (yes, it's also a verb), it's a spinoff of the highly crass "Two Girls, One Cup." Look it up for yourself if you wish. I shan't describe it. I have a weak stomach and I'd rather not dust my cookies on an innocent keyboard and flatscreen. Anyway, YouTube is not a safe zone for team naming. Here are a few other distasteful names...
Blue Beavers
Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool
Don't Pee In Your Room
Like a Mullet (Just kidding. Mullets aren't distasteful. Now turn on some George Thorogood and tap a keg.)
Let's group the next batch under the "Oddly Comical" tagline, or "The O.C." (That line would have been so much sweeter if this was 2002.)....
We Ain't No After School Special
Concerned Advocates for the Geographical Disassociation of California from the Continental U.S.
We Brought U A Basketball But We Eated It
We're Better at Halo. Just Kidding...But Seriously
Will Play for Jobs
In Memory of Our Friend Lim Twang, Who Is Still Alive
Guy Goes to the Doctor. Doctor Says I'm Sorry You Have a Cataract. Guy Says Nope, It's a Lincoln
The Procrastinators....We'll Play You Tomorrow
One of these names is not like the other ones. These teams cut on themselves so much I'm going to call them "Emo"...
All Five Of Us More Well Without the Basketball
We're the Real Reason Brett Favre is Crying
We Lost to Girls Last Year
You Might Leave the Game With Your Girlfriend But We're the Reason She's Here
Picked Last in Gym Class
Guess Whose Daddy Left Them
We Don't Have Us Advancing in Our Bracket
We are down to our last group. Final chance to chastise the censors for stealing the independence of the depraved. The discrimination is not unlike the Chinese police beating down a Tibetian monk. The analogy is appropriate. One is a dictatorial, oppressive, communist regime physically abusing harmless pacificists. The other is a mean, mean Student Activities meanie. It's the same thing. To carry on the "Mean" theme...
5 Guys Hoping to Get More Playing Time Than Brady Quinn Did This Year
Client #9
Clients No. 10-14
You, Me & Ashley Alexandria Dupre: Clients #11-15
Spitzer's Callgirls
We Score More Than Spitzer
Lee Harvey Oswald and the Sharpshooters
Heath Ledger's Sleeper Pick
Heath Ledger and the Painkillers
Kobe and the Consenting Adults
Another list has come to a close. Not quite on the level as the previous years. Maybe future discriminated teams will come together and stop this injustice. Possibly through Facebook. Possibly through MySpace. Possibly through other networking sites I don't know a damn thing about. See ya next year.
Welcome back, friends. It's time again for everyone's favorite list of campus decadence. Bookstore XXXVI featured 643 teams. Of that total, 157 (or about 25 percent) were stripped of their names and bestowed with numbers. Not all 157 original names are here. Roughly 70 percent were kind enough to share their debauchery. It's obvious to see why some names were striken. These teams were busted quicker than an Irish point guard with a doobie on a routine traffic stop. OH! It's gonna be like that? Getting laughs off a suspended student? Yip. It's real simple: Don't do the toke if you can't take the joke. And, no, I'm not worried about him tracking me down and trying to kick my ass. That's what probation is for. On with the show...
Let the name revelation begin. For the record, none of the following teams are captained by McHempy....
Air Bud
Can't Smoke These Jays
Smokin' Trees and Strokin' Threes
High-Men Globetrotters
To Put it Bluntly We're Going to Smoke You
Opium for the Masses
Jailblazers
Here's the collection of names that really are harmless. How could they get axed? They censor everything! Do you realize that if the Bookstore censors worked on "The Family Guy," the show would be approximately five seconds long? And four of those seconds would be bleeped. There would be one second available for Peter Griffin to say the word "flatulence"....
NDToGo
Irish Explosion
This Won't Take Long
Jonathan People's Court
2SA
0?0
Cat in a Beard
Bro Alpha Satch
David Palmer, Curtis Manning & 3 Other Guys Who Can't Take a Shot (no love for "24"?)
B.B.M.F.I.C.
Ballas and Shot Callas
Three the Hard Way
Rainbow Warriors
Navarre Street Naggers
Farmer John and His Barnyard Pals
I Blued Myself (no love for "Arrested Development"?)
The Rainbowing Warriors
The ButterCream Gang
The Yellow Darts
Slippery When Wet
Dead Rabbits
Charles Manson Strikes Back (no love for psychotic murders?)
We Stick Together
I Can't Believe I Hooked Up With Brendan Krueger
We Know We Suck... It's Cool
Puppies and Kitties
Backcourt Violation
Straight Up Ignunt
Uranus and the Four Moons
Pontius Pilate & the Nail Drivers (no love for the crucifiers of
Christ?)
Current events. I love it when Domers stay on top of the news. Know Pac-Man Jones? Suspended NFL player? Let's just say he likes to shower currency on ladies at establishments where they are sometimes known to do away with their garments. So Pac-Man is being censored in Bookstore. Hey, don't have the player, hate the game. (I don't know what that means. I just felt it appropriate to say something hip at this time.)
We Make It Rain
We Make It Rain Like Fat Joe and Lil' Wayne
We Make It Rain Like Pacman Jones
Team Make It Rain, Presented by Montgomery Flea Market - It's Just Like a Mini-Mall
Pac-Man and the Rainmakers
Any reference to drinking was banished. Aw, come on. What if the team is 21 or older? Players could be carded at the court. After verifying their age, the team could grandly announce: "We are 'The Boozehounds!' WOO HOO!...Our team motto: You score, we drink....WOO HOO!...Your ball. Oh, and if you can't already tell...WOO HOOOOO!!!...we've already spotted you 10 points!" Why do I need to think of these things? It's like I'm the mediator between the alcoholics and the teetotalers. The drunks and the goody-two-shoes need to get together and settle this for themselves. Over drinks....
Poor Old Grandday and the Billy Slaps (supposedly there's a beer name in there somewhere)
Team Falstaff (a bar in France)
Blackout Bandits
We Get Drunk Off Hall Fine Money
Super Super Smashed...And a Yosh
Air Bud (Again? Same team. Maybe they like booze with their haze)
Better D Than a Drunk Girl's Roommate
The next grouping comes courtesy of UrbanDictionary.com. The internet tool has been used by censors past to rob teams of their rightful names. However, I am very suspect of this site. I believe most of the teams below had no randy intentions at all. Twas pure coincidence for some and lucky word choice for others. These teams really aren't this vile. Their mothers and fathers need not fret. These students are fine, upstanding, incorruptible deviants....
Birdman
BTFU
Los Huevos
The Honkers (Ask Your Mom)
The One See Deez
BAMFs
Plan B
Blue Ballers
Old Kent's Clan
Sexy Harold & the Fishbowl
Bagger's Boyz
Manwich
Tone Shots
Five Guys Who Love to Thump
Damn Good Handle
We Offered You Our Nanners
The Beef Sandwiches
General Tso's Firing Squad
The Sticky Bandits
sHooters Girls
The Sleeping Bag Club
Team Fotch
Team Tiger Claw
Tadeuz Grundulus
The Brown Line
The Reverse Slam Dunks
Mexican Avalanche
The Hot Pink Tacos
Harvey and the Taco Blasters
Cunning Linguists
6 More for Bukkake
Team Full Chub
Get Double Teamed (women's team...awesome)
Tip Drill
Purple Headed Basketball Slingers
More current events. And these topics are basketball related. Former pro player Don Amaechi recently came out of the closet. Former pro player Tim Hardaway recently stated his great displeasure with the closeted and uncloseted. Together they form "The Odd Couple." Hardaway has been spurned by the NBA and, apparently, by Bookstore. No opposite orientation jokes are allowed. We will not officially recognize their groups on campus, but we will come to their aid and not allow jokes in Bookstore. Look how far we've come! We are San Francisco East! (exclaimed while an Indigo Girls song plays in the background)....
The Hardaways
4 Guys Tim Hardaway Likes and 1 He Doesn't
Tim Hardaway Hates Your Team
Don Amaechi Loves Your Team
John Amaechi and the Second Coming
Taking It To the Hole with John Amaechi
5 Guys That Love Tim Hardaway...But in a Totally Hetero Way
Now for some names that were apparently too suggestive for Bookstore. But before I get to them, it has come to my attention that in addition to providing a team name, team captain, and means of contact, each team is asked to provide an explanation of their team name. What the??? We didn't do that back in the day. I'm guessing the following teams didn't bother to provide an explanation. I sorta wish at least one would have had the moxie to enter their filthy name and then - when asked for the reason - simply stated: "We're perverts." That is something I could respect and admire....
The Torch (South Bend's finest)
Strumpetology
Off Constantly (as in, they were "beat")
Step 1: Put a Hole in the Box (no love for Timberlake on SNL)
The Statutory 5
5 Guys, 9 Balls
Stroke It
Balls Deep
Boxout - I'm So Glad You Said Out
Carl's Unbelievable New Team (acronyms get busted too)
H2Hoes Remixed
Whale Oil Beef Hooked (say it with an Irish accent)
Not Four, But Five-Skins
Big Cock and a Couple Ballers
Do You Have Any Puerto Rican in You? You Want Some?
Dribble Between Your Legs
Return of the PE-ness (It left? I hate it when that happens)
Exploded Interface
Next is the team name I have ranked #2 this year. Hold on to your hats...
....And Then I Killed a Prostitute (OH SNAP! And that's a FEMALE team! Dude, I wanna party with those chicks)
The #1 team name is as classic as classic gets. I don't even need a setup for this one...
The Parietal-Breaking Queer Film Monologues from SMC Who Support Meat on Fridays (another women's team)
Censors, did you feel that one? Kinda like a swift kick to the groin, wasn't it? Excellent way to end the list: writhing in agony and pondering whether there is still an ability to bear children. Happy endings all around. See ya next year.
Welcome to another edition of Bookstore team names that were blacklisted. This year Bookstore featured 568 teams. Over 135 team names were censored. A whooping 24%! That's higher than any current politician's approval rating. All of the offending team captains were contacted and 70% provided their dastardly monikers.
Frankly I'm a bit disappointed in the students. The existence of The Vagina Monologues on campus was a hotly contested issue yet no one saw fit to make light of it with a Bookstore name. I was hoping for a man like "Tell Your Vagina to Shut Up" or "Why Does Your Vagina Talk So Much? Mine Has Very Little To Say."
Speaking of The Vagina Monologues, why didn't the faculty go to bat for Bookstore freedom? Hello? Censoring galore? They must be too tired from pretending they know how to run a Catholic university better than its president. For the faculty it must be exhausting maintaining such a high level of pomposity and pretentiousness.
And where were the boisterous students fighting for Bookstore Team Name Freedom? Surely they can cluster together and name themselves in a grandiose fashion with a plethora of capital letters. Maybe if they harness a PLS major an outstanding acronym would follow that would TOTALLY flip the Board of Trustees. Hopefully someone is hard at work on a t-shirt backing Bookstore Freedom that supportively declares: "Lewd? Fine By Me."
They all should have come out in defense of these censored teams because they are more benign than Canada...
Jared is a Jake
Betsy Flanagan Chicken Breast
The Cylindrical Depression Unit (referring to those roadblocks
on campus that sink into the sidewalk...really!)
Beads
Me Animal
Look Out for the Coathanger
Speed or Comfort
Crap, Nick Sorg is Our Best Player
If This is Anything Like NBA Live '03, You're Screwed
Slow Dip
My Quint Smells
Smiley and the Happy Rainbow Crew
Matt Biscaia, Man in Tights, & His Band of Merry Bricklayers
We're Going to Laugh When This Turns Into a Big Sticky Mess
The Nickle Tickle and Her Trix
5 Guys Who Sometimes Look Pretty OK with Their Shirts Off, Maybe
Smells Like Fish (Hello? Lent? How is this inappropriate? The
frickin' censors must be Protestants. No good, rotten...)
Since those names were rather mild, here are other tame names. These names were not censored, but have to be included because they are wicked funny....
Picked Last in Grade School
Someone May Have Pooped on or Around the Bookstore Court Area
It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Mono
Bone Thugs in Armani
Rectum? Damn Near Killed 'Um!
Shawn Kemp is my daddy....and his daddy, and his daddy, and his
daddy, and his daddy
Top 5 Reasons Why Admissions is Flawed
Trying to Outscore Vince Young's Wonderlic Test
Your Face is the Backer Floor
We Shoot Like Dick Cheney (You Should Wear Orange)
Apparently a team cannot reference an ND higher-up even if it is complimentary. This group is a collective of Domer names. Maybe they were lacking the proper credentials. If it's a matter of sponsorship versus endorsement, then I'll provide both. I don't need a Department Chair unless it reclines and comes with a remote. I would have a panel discussion, but I don't really care what you think. So forget it...
The Three Weis Men (and Two Other Guys)
Charlie Weis' Waterboys
Traditioncontinues.com
The BroJoes (a rector reference)
4 Carroll Guys and Benedict Wenker (Wenker is a guy
moving out to Alumni Hall. Traitor.)
Timmermans Angry! (name of a past basketball player)
Size 8 & Bigger (female cheerleaders referring to their
shoe sizes)
Sparks, Full Bladders, Father Hesburgh & 2 Other
Things That Keep You Up At Night
Monk-a-licios and the Mid-West All Stars
Golden Dome Shiners
Bike Mrey & 4 Other Guys Who Shouldn't Be Back
Next Year
Wet N Wild: The Wetter the Better (women swimmers)
We Do It Better On Ice (women hockey players)
Brokeback Torin (sweet bust on our basketball bust)
Joking racial slurs are out too. Only non-white
comedians can say them without receiving a scarlet
letter. I'm hoping some year a team calls themselves
"The Uptight White People" to see if the censors
would actually axe themselves....
Whitewash
Da Goombas
4 Drunk Micks & an Asian With Knives
Team names referring to alcohol are not allowed. Makes sense, we are the Fighting Amish. How can you separate alcohol and college? They are a team. Each is dependent upon the other. Drinking and college go together like Notre Dame and a queer film festival.....
Tour de Franzia
Vive Le Vin
C is for Crunk
Absolut Kurlies
DJ Drew's Old Ball(er)s (the 'backer's DJ, adored by drunks)
King Cobra Inc. (sponsor of 40's at 4 before pep rallies)
7 Shots and She Dribbles Down the Hallway
The Shooters: Takin Shots, Not Makin Em
We Took More Shots Than That Last Night!!!
Joe Sweeney and the Blackout Experience
We Don't Have Much Game, But We Sure Can Pre-Game
Hoping to Draw a Team of Drunk Girls or Midgets on Unicycles
5 Drunk Easy Girls That's Don't Go To St. Mary's (male team)
The Vagina Monologues were not mocked but a few teams chose to jest about some current events or joke about pop culture references...
Charles Bronson and the Deathwish Five
That Other Guy Lied: We Are Deep Throat
Still PO'ed About Terry Shiavo
Charles Manson Strikes Back
We Know Kobe's Therapist (Yeah We're Pretty Sure He Did It)
Duke Lacrosse
Michael Jackson's Kiddy Ballers
The Child Photographers (I really didn't know what category
to put this in, but after Michael Jackson seems like a
safe bet)
One of Us May or May Not Have AIDS (why does this also
follow Michael Jackson? Because the name, like Michael
is freaky as hell)
As always, innuendo is frowned upon. It's difficult to make a quality double entendre if you can't use "dribble" or "balls." The following list is basically made up of the castrated teams....
It's a Jungle Down There
Off (as in they got "beat")
The Heavy Petting Zoo
Smack It
Two Timing Horse
Captain Karol & the Salty Seamen
Admiral Gimpy and Four Other Seamen
Girls Next Door Who Wanna Score
Balls and Beaver Connection
Shoot, Don't Dribble
Backcourt Penetration
Balls to the Wall
Come Honor
Dribble on Your Face
Deep "C" Divers
G Spot Aficionados
4 Hot Dogs and a Taco
Too Small to Penetrate
We'll Put Your Balls in Our Basket (rad chick team)
Super H2Hoes (another rad chick team)
Ballsacagawea (rad referencing-a-chick guys team)
LIXen DIXen VIXENS (bound for the Censored Hall of Fame)
The following names were snagged thanks to Urban Dictionary.com, whether they meant to offend or their names innocently coincided with an Urban entry. The site is a censoring tool used by censoring tools. So, quickly, take these names and scurry off to that website to find out the meanings. I've arranged them from Least-Likely-To-Offend to Sweet-I-Totally- Can't-Wait-To-Use-This-In-A-Conversation....
Would You Like Two CD's
The Globo Gym Purple Cobras
The Cashews
Mad Hatters
The Nuggets
BAMF
Runnin' Renobs
Team Dank III - Back in Action
Manwich
Chucha Frita
Lemonparty
The Motorboaters
Shockers
Team Skeet - We'll Make It Rain Out There
The Angry Dolphins
The Angry Pirates
The next two teams are in a category all by themselves. I don't know how they weren't sent to ResLife immediately. Seriously, how are they still enrolled?....
The Reusable Condoms
Cock-Ball Torture (chick team; if you play
against them I suggest wearing 8 or 9
cups. Or zero, I guess, if you're into that
sort of thing. I ain't judgin'.)
The final team name (and my favorite) isn't really offensive. Or dirty. Or explicit. It's just plain mean. No wonder I love it so much. Here's a shoutout to America's favorite drug addict....
We Get the Rock More Than Whitney Houston
So the list comes to a close. Nothing like ending on a high note. Literally. Hopefully next year will feature more balls, some vaginas, and a lil sweet, sweet crack cocaine. Keep your fingers crossed. See ya.
Disturbing pigs. Filthy swine. Censored teams. These are the banished teams, the teams considered unfit. They have been sequestered and penned. Pigs. Swine. Well, I love bacon. In praise of sows and barrows I'll open with a quote from the character of Otto from "A Fish Called Wanda" who also had an affinity for oinking. Otto actually encouraged an adversary to continue cheating with his girlfriend by bellowing: "Pork away, pal." Behold the Censored List of 2005.
Bookstore XXXIV opened with 609 teams. I counted 73 (12%) that were axed. I contacted and heard back from 54 teams. Yet there are WELL over 54 team names.
So how are there more censored team names than there were censored teams? Thanks to Student Activities, teams were requested to submit two names in case the first was deemed unacceptable. But really all that did was give many teams twice the opportunity to offend. The second team names have all been shared. Show of hands....c'mon, you doesn't love sloppy seconds?... Nobody?... That's what I thought.
Hear them ROAR. The women made MAJOR strides in being censored this year. In the past there have been hardly any. Not this year. Female-captained teams will be labeled "GRRRL Power." Finally the girls are proving they can be equally crudely creative as the boys. Props for the ladies. A censorhsip revolution. Like the '60s. I'm not saying the women should unhook their bras and set them on fire. I'm just saying I would really, really love to see that. Really. Please.
After following censored names for a few yearsk, I've noticed a trend. The teams have been separated into..."The Seven Topics You Can't Talk About in Bookstore." It's an homage to legendary comedian George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television." What are those words? My Roman Catholic fingers are not even programmed to type in that order. (But my Pagan Hedonistic libido is well informed.) How bad are the words? Let's just say Lil Kim would label them as "Words to live by." But enough of Lil Kim. Let's get to the magic shtick....
Topic #1 that is banned can be summed up in one word...."hate." I prefer to use the term "joke." I don't believe there is genuine hate on campus but these names scream of blatant dislike. They are definitely hating on peeps, though. So disliking is censored. What about diversity? Are only "shiny, happy people" allowed? I hope not because R.E.M. sucks. Check out the teams...
Hibey's Old Team Hates Him
We Don't Like You, Kay-dub
Mike Tennant Is A Disgustingly Poor Human Being, and For His Sake I
Hope Our
First Name Gets Approved
"Off" is definitely out. Anytime the censors see "off" they know that teams are hoping it will be printed after the team is "beat" in the tourney. The second topic that gets busted is...."self-pleasuring."
Off in the Shower
Team Off in the Woods
Each Other Off
Right Hand Crossovers
Team Ski Poles
So teams of hate were nixed. And you just read of teams being silenced for (self) love. It's a thin line between love and hate. And that thin line is....du Lac.
The next grouping could probably be tagged "derogatory." Calling yourself "white" is disparaging? Loose women are of low opinion? Alcoholism isn't ripe for ridicule? Maybe "derogatory" is a poor choice for the topic. White guys + alcoholism + women of ill repute... maybe a more appropriate title would be "The Weekend."
Whitewash Allstars
Team Cracker
Whiggity Whiggity White Boys
4 Engineers + 1 Alcoholic = 5 Guys Not Coordinated Enough to Play
Basketball
Four Gardner and a Hoe
Strumpets with Trumpets! (GRRRL Power)
H2Hoes (GRRRL Power)
Fugly Sluts and the Fuglies (GRRRL Power)
Slutty Slutty Slutfaces (GRRRL Power, I absolutely adore this name)
Some team names are just too innocent. They can't possibly be so benign. How could these be censored? Where's our criminal justice system when we need it? INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN SMUTTY! Let's call this the "W" category because, like President George W. Bush, they are confusing and don't make a lot of sense but they are still winners.
Missouri Sliders
Thanks for the Trip to Fresno, Kevin
I Want to be 'J'
Hindi Rockers
Oops, Pow, Surprise!!!
9 Flasz All Stars
The Pederasts (consult a dictionary, or Michael Jackson)
Baby Eaters (don't ask)
Pontius Pilate and the Naildrivers
Five Ukranian Chicken Keepers (acronym)
We're Not Your Baby's Daddy
We Argh But Pirates (what kind of pirates?)
Team He Had Your Mom Over for Tea
Burns Wenighpy (sound it out)
The Punishment of the Asexual Sloth
"Body parts" for the 5th item is pretty obvious. The main culprit is the male reproductive organ. In its excited state, of course. Since "excited" has been introduced these teams can be called "The Anti-John Kerry Club" because they will not bore you to tears, they will not lose the state of Ohio, and they will not BORE YOU TO TEARS.
The Meat
Rambone
Morning Glory
Vagina Monologues (the play is allowed but not the team?)
Penis Monologues (when will that play? [insert joke here])
Pipping Hott Penes
The Sandy V's
Meat Curtains
Dixon Cider
Dixie Normus
Erections Lasting Over 4 Hours Require Medical Help
Our Assets are Bigger Than Yours (GRRRL Power)
The Cialis High-Rising All Stars
Big Sticks, Little Balls (the golf team, of course)
Boobs Akimbo (GRRRL Power)
Don't even try to use the word "shoot" in any form. It gets the automatic axe. Grouping #6 is simply "porn." How can that be censored in college? College without porn would be like our football team versus USC: Pointless.
L. Steele (adult film star)
ShotCallers
Team Money Shots
Grinnell
Team Rusty Trombones
Shooting Our Mouths Off (GRRRL Power, but it's the debate team!)
Wet Hoop Dreams
Five More for Bukkake
Yaaaay Denim! Boooo Khaki!
Dribble on Your Face
We Shoot All Up In Your Eye
Two Pump Chumps
Double Pumped, Got Excited, Shot too Early (GRRRL Power)
We Like To Hit It Hard, But Only If It Has Dimples (the golf team, of
course!)
We'll Even Shoot On Your Grandma
We Work In a Spa Because We Like to Give Facials
But my favorite team names this year make up the seventh issue that is off limits: "ND Quips." Apparently the students are not allowed to make light of things like the on-going regilding of the Dome. And the phrase of the Equestrian team was an issue. You see, the phrase is on their team shirts which were accepted and sanctioned by Student Activities. Yet come Bookstore time the same previously allowable phrase was given the hook. I'll speak for the Equestrian team when I say that's a bunch of horseshit.
Thick, Quick and Natty (pun on Charlie Weis team motto that ends in
"Nasty")
Charlie Weis' Return to F*$%ing Glory
Charlie Weis' Return to Effing Glory (that's their alternate name; they
censored themselves and STILL got yanked; that's eff-ed up)
We Can Ride Anything and Make It Look Good (the phrase mentioned above,
GRRRL Equestrian Power)
Ride That Pony (GRRRL Equestrian Power)
I Went to TC (Turtle Creek) and All I Got Was the Clap
It Would be LaFun to O'Shag Me (GRRRL Power)
And now for the final two. These were able to combine three things: current events, innuendo and hilarity. The sound you can't hear is me laughing my asset off....
5 Guys Who Want Their Domes Regilded
WeWantOurDomesShined2
There you have it. That's the list for 2005. To sum up:
OPEC's previous crude oil price range: $22-$28
The current cost of a gallon of gasoline: $2.25
Value of a barrel of crude Bookstore team names: Priceless
See ya next year.
What's up? Been awhile
since we last talked. A year to be exact. That's
enough chit-chat. Let's get into it. Sit back and relax because this is
long. (That's what he said.) This piece is also a little late. The current
Bookstore commissioners were lax in their duties. It reminds me of why
I wasn't a commissioner when I was in school. I never enjoyed things
like "bureaucracy" or "meeting" or "other people."
This is the second
annual "Censored List." It's an underground Domer
event. Some call it "alternative." I prefer "grunge." Not
surprisingly this
quasi-missive is decked out in flannel and hums anything by Nirvana.
When last you were
left, the Bookstore Gestapo had censored roughly
20% of the Bookstore team names. That was 2003. Things have been
decidedly different in 2004. Only about 3% were blacklisted this year.
What the?!?! Just as 20% intrigued me last year, so does only 3%
this year. There are uncensored words, phrases and exact team names
that were actually censored last year but not this year. What the?!?!
That makes as much sense as Ralph Nader's assertion that he will
steal moderate Republican voters away from Bush.
Reduced censoring
by 17%? Doesn't quite sound like 2004. A boob
is shown at halftime of the Super Bowl (totally AWESOME, by the
way!!!!), the FCC cracks down and Notre Dame is leading the
charge for free speech? Can I assume Howard Stern will soon be
broadcasting from the top of Touchdown Jesus?
I'm all for censorship,
especially in Bookstore. If the team name is
dumb... censor it. If it's unoriginal... censor it. If it's just plain weak...
censor it. But if it's creatively rad... cherish it. If it's outlandishly
crude.... embrace it. And if it's downright hilariously offensive...
capitalize it, highlight it and scream it out loud. OK, maybe that
was a bit over the top. I feel like a Shiite cleric who has just
issued a fatwa on lame-ass Bookstore names.
So quite a few names
that were axed last year got through this
year. Maybe more Domers chose to abide by the rules. Did you
know there were rules? I just noticed them this year. There are
four guidelines. The most interesting was #4: "Anything your
mother would deem disrespectful." But what if my mom curses
like a drunken sailor and tells jokes that would make Andrew
"Dice" Clay blush? Did I just date myself with a Diceman reference?
For those who don't know or don't remember, the Diceman was
king in the early '90s with a stage personna that was politically
incorrect, foul-mouthed, womanizing, boorish, uncouth and all
around asshole-ish. In other words... my hero.
I do have censored
team names, but much less than last year.
This year's list will be inclusive. Observer "Viewpoint" readers
say it with me....DIVERSITY. I'm just promoting diversity in tune
with the University. I will take the affirmative acton of combining
the uncensored and censored in jovial harmony.
A big reason there
are much fewer censored teams is because
teams weren't cut that simply mentioned race or sexual
orientation. Last year the mere mention of something led to
"Team ###." The #2 team name rule prohibited "offensive
substance regarding race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation."
Repeat after me: "mentioning does not equal offensive." These
names were thankfully uncensored this year...
The Ambiguously Gay
Trio and 2 High School Gym Teachers
White Chocolate and the Charlie Factory
We Are Whiter Than You Could Ever Imagine
Technical Virgins
A White Guy, A White Guy, and 3 Other White Guys
Some challenging names that didn't get censored...
[Expletive Deleted]
We Dare You To Censor This Name...B**** (OK, it was partially censored)
I Don't Know What's Worse....That Our Name Was Censored or That the
Bookstore Committee Knew What We Were Talking About
Here are some uncensored insults (and most are self-inflicted)...
Tom Timmermans' Jock
Sniffs
We Beat Anorexia
Bring On The Blonde Jokes
5 Reasons Your Girl's Still With You
Marlon, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Some Guy Who's Always Drawing Charges
Five Guys Who Wish B-ball Involved Couches
We Hope You Score More Points On Us Than You Did on the ACT
The #3 criteria disallowed
the "use of the names of those in the
university community without consent." But university topics
are fair game. The hot campus topic this year was the embracing
of Notre Dame's homosexual community through the campus-wide
wearing of shirts that declared: "Gay? Fine by Me." That gave
Domers something to spin off. The uncensored teams were.....
Fine by SHE
Straight...Fine By Me
Straight? Fine By Us
Drunk? Fine By Us
Gay? Fine By Me....Hosted by Jim Harrick Jr.
Fishing With Jon? Fine By Me
Fat? Fine By Me
Suck? Fine By Me
Marvin Gaye? Fine By Me (sweet name!)
How could these names not be censored? They all scream "SHIT!"....
I Am Going To Do Something
Crazy To Make You Poop Yourself
We Crap Our Pants Every Morning
Everybody Poops
Poo-Poo Come From Butt (I laugh every damn time I read that one)
Here is the uncensored "innuendo" list....
The Come From Behind
Kids
Dolly Parton, Boat Club, and Three Other Big Busts
Whole Lot of Bouncing Going On (sweet chick team name!)
5 Hot Girls Who Will Probably Lose in the First Round But Are
Hoping to Get Lucky (PSYCHE! Dude team captain!)
Wet Hoop Dreams
Testicular Fortitude
We Hit It From Deep, and We're Good in the Box
We Only Need 15 Seconds to Shoot
Who Was Mike Seaver's Best Friend on Growing Pains? (Why "Boner,"
of course!)
A Little Wrist Action
Feline Taxidermists (think about it)
Less Defense Than a Prom Dress
We Score Less Often Than Old People in a Nursing Home
We Play With PE-ness (SWEEEEET chick team, LOVE IT!)
Proud of Our PE-Ness (DITTO!)
(Those last two have to be co-winners for Team Name of the Year)
The #1 team name rule
that means censoring is... "Instance of
sexually explicit content." But what if it's "implicit"? That's
allowed, right? As far as I'm concerned the following censored
names are implicit just like the uncensored names in the
"innuendo" list above. Explicit means "fully revealed or expressed
without vagueness." The F-word is explicit. Just remember,
explicit is illicit but implicit is exquisite. So endith the lesson.
Here are the censored names...
Thrustingmotion.com
Presents
The Fighting Snatchi
Team Hardcore Sects
Heavy Petting Zoo
Sofa King-Suites (sound it out)
Money Shot All Stars
The Moneyshots and the Dribblers
The following names were censored, but why?...
The Finishing 5
Your Mom (banned? But a team by the name made the
Bookstore Final Four a few years ago!)
Mad props to the following
teams that stuck to their guns.
They were censored last year but stayed the course. They
refused to offer up weaker acceptable alternative names and
will now live on in censored infamy....
Four Jerks and a Squirt
Little Dan and His Mother's Four Lovers
Four Fingers and a Thumb, The Best Game on Campus
My personal favorite
censored team has been saved for
last. Now their original name is not the most original. (In
fact, another also had it this year.) But their follow-up
name was classic and their irreverence is second to none.
Their first name was "Off in the Shower." They were asked
to change it. It was modified to "Off in the Bookstore
Commissioner's Face." Funny! The commissioners apparently
didn't like the joke and re-assigned the team to play the
#10 ranked team that had 3 football players. It was one
and done. The commissioners thought they got the last
laugh. Not so fast. This team deserves recognition even in
defeat. I shall grant them the Observer headline they never
received: "#10 Ranked Team Beats Off in the Bookstore
Commissioner's Face." Who's gotten the last laugh now?
There you have it.
"The Censored List": 2004. I was slightly
disappointed, though. I was really hoping someone would
try to go with the team name of "Janet Jackson's Breast."
Would it be censored? Or would it be revealed, then
condemned and later be described as a "team name malfunction"?
For the record, Scholastic
did do a story on this underground
list. Does that make me a sellout? No. I didn't take a dime. But
if they had offered I would have snapped up the cash quicker
than a politician running for re-election. Hell, I'd have settled
for a handful of Doritos. Cool ranch, preferably.
"The Censored
List" offend anyone? I'm an equal opportunity
offender. Am I insensitive? Only if you have feelings. Am I a
smartass? Two words: staunchly. I've said it before and I'll say
it again: If I'm not offending anyone I'm just not trying hard
enough. If you can't take the joke, get out of the kitchen.
See ya next year.
In years past I've selected the funniest Bookstore names and distributed them to alums. This year's list struck me as lacking. Where were the names touching on current events, specifically the war? Since Domers are the cleverest mammals on Earth, I was befuddled at the lack of creativity. Did my fellow Domers turn into state schoolers overnight? Say it ain't so.
The number of censored teams also struck me. I counted over 110 censored names. That's over 20% of the 539 team total. I guess 20% isn't that surprising once you find out Student Activities used UrbanDictionary.com to snuff out names that tried to fly in under the radar. (Personally, I think that website is a front. They are just as smutty as the rest of us, if not more.)
I recall last year that teams were censored for making light of Father Poorman and his alcohol policy. Even MORE interesting is the article last year that told of this censoring. I read that article at the on-line Observer site. I went back a couple of days later to re-read the piece and it had mysteriously disappeared. The whole Observer was there but that one article had been removed. The University censored an article about censoring. Can someone help me?....What's the definition of "fascism"?
I suspected Operation Iraqi Freedom was being censored. Hey, Censor, do me a favor...crawl out of your minuscule shell and introduce yourself to a life. THERE ARE JUST FREAKIN' BOOKSTORE NAMES! I don't believe for one second any Domer meant anything disrespectful to the Operation or to our courageous troops. To quote comedian Dennis Miller: "Our guys are in there kickin' ass, takin' hyphenated names." (That didn't really have anything to do with the theme of the paragraph. It's just too damn good of a one-liner to not share. Dennis kills.) The censors would have been wise to not be so blatant. All it did was provide me ammunition to gun them down. They shot themselves in the foot. Now I can target them and fire away with every military verb I can muster. To the censors who felt the team names were offensive or inappropriate....get over yourselves. Again, THESE ARE JUST FREAKIN' BOOKSTORE NAMES!
I took up the cause for my fellow Domers since I'm an alum out of the reach of Res Life. (Although I suppose Res Life could still spy on me. I heard The Man got a new pair of super-duper binoculars for Christmas.) I'll take the heat for this list. Frankly, the University isn't in my good graces anyway. I'll still ticked off they didn't offer my desired major. I tell ya, I'd have been the best damn jester this side of Medieval Times.
So I contacted the censored teams to compile the list. Now I'm not a vehement proponent of free speech. I don't spout about the First Amendment. I'm just doing this for laughs. I'm not a crusader. I'm just a mulatto: half jackass, half smartass.
Behold, OPERATION BOOKSTORE FREEDOM...
Shock and Awe (5 Teams)
Shock-er and Ahh
Bombs Over Baghdad
Weapons of Mass Destruction
The Iraqi National Team
Saddam Eyes Hussein (hint: read the first two words as "sodomize")
Just Like Bush...We'll Shoot Your Lights Out
Why were these names censored?...
Swanney Wannabes: The Remix
He Hate Rerko
The Hong Dongs
Team Manstration
Dr. Comte and the Pink Buttons
Sherry Clarke (it's just a person's name!)
Skankunation (team's captain's last name is "Skakun")
Four Guys With Big Wengs (team's captain's last name is "Wenger")
Midget Mung Bobo Cheese Out of Geraniums In the Dutch Oven
Alcohol team names are out. Apparently y'all didn't read the fine print in the new alcohol policy. It states, in Article 17, paragraph B, part iii, sentence g.): "Thou shalt not put alcohol in they written word. Ever. Ever. Ever.".....
5 Drunks and a Phil
Basketball Is Our Drinking Game
The Natural Light Weights
28% of Our Team Drank 75% of the Alcohol on Campus (Res Life stat bust)
Drunk As Hell
Pop Culture References...
Crotch Capers 5 (South Park)
Carl Winslow & the Rusty Trombones (Family Matters)
White American (Eminume song, seemingly to test the censors)
We Can Derelict Our Own Basketballs (Zoolander adaptation)
Pu-Tang Clan
Potpourri....
Team Cracker
Chronic J Hitters
Four White Guys and a Smoking Cuban
4 Buds and the Toke
A Jew and 4Skins
Mormon Bachelor Party
Teams that get "beat"...
Off on J. Hagan
Off In The Shower
ND related team names...
Two Male Cheerleaders and Three Heterosexuals
One Male Cheerleader and his Four Heterosexual Friends
Four Rowers Who Play with Their Cox (ND crew)
We Do It Better Wet (ND swimmers)
Our Cox Tell Us When to Stroke (ND crew)
OutreachND.org (Yip, once again the University stomped on homosexual students
by censoring their name altogether)
No One Knows We're Lesbians (All all gay men's team that was allowed the name
last year but...well you know...the whole stomping thing)
Now this censoring just oozes of ignorance...
Cowboys and Indian
"Indian" is derogatory? No. As I've read, Columbus did not name America's inhabitants after "India." India was known as Hindustan in 1492. "Indian" most likely comes from Columbus' poor Spanish. He was Italian but employed by Spain. In his written accounts he called the Indians, "Una gente in Dios." A people in God. In God. In Dios. Indians. So the University censored God. You know what that means? Our beloved Catholic institution is infested with PAGANS!
The guys aren't the only horndogs on campus. Here are some teams captained by ladies. And, fellas, don't even THINK about calling these randy women. I got dibs....
Casual Sex
Pink Tassles
Girls Who Like the Banana
Girls on Their Knees, Begging Please, Let Us Score!
Co-Ed Naked Chemists: We Do It In An Excited State
Barbie Likes Nuts and Pickles
Current Events...
We Want LeBron's Mom to Give Us a
Hummer Too
5 White Guys Who Wouldn't Be Here If It Weren't for Affirmative Action
Shooting for Sweet 16 Like R. Kelly
We Can't Believe That LeBron Got A Hummer From His Mom!
Innuendo that would make the Marquis de Sade swoon...
60 Inches of Sausage
Better In Bed
She Said She Was 18
Is It In?
Hot Carl
25 Sticky Fingers
Use a Hoe Garden Me
Sofa King We Todd Did (sound it out)
Ice Cold Beery Will Only Take Shots on a Rarickasian (I'm clueless, is that
even dirty?)
MILF Hunters
V-card Swipers
Brownstar Navigation
Seminole Fluid
Crabs...Got The Itch?
Cleveland Steamers
Reverse Cowgirl
My Team is Colonel Angus
Colonel Angus on the Southern Front
We Score More Than Chamberlain...and We're Not Bad At Basketball Either
1,000 Pounds of Flesh Knocking at the Back Door
'Whiskey' Dick & 4 Guys Who Can't Elevate Enough to Get Their Shot Off
Peter North, Ron Jeremy, & 3 Others That Can Shoot From Inside
The Mustache Riders
Four Footlongs & a Crinkle Fry
Baller, I Just Met Her
We Just Want to Put the Tip In
And my personal favorite....
Your Best O Comes Against our D
That's it. For those of you who laughed incessantly at the jokes.... you're welcome. For those of you who were offended by the jests.... I DO NOT CARE. For those of you currently trying to pass a kidney stone... Sucks to be you. See you next year.